Episode 76: Sweaters That Go on over Your Head
Sweaters That Go on over Your Head
by Keith Gunderson
When I was four I got a sweater for Christmas that was blue and itchy and one of those sweaters that go over your head and I’d never liked sweaters like that because before your head gets punched through the headhole you’re in a dark place for a little too long so you start to think it’ll never be light again and this new sweater which was my Aunt Molly’s fault was the worst one of all because it had an extra-small headhole like it was made for a grapefruit sized head so after my dad stuffed my arms through the sleeves and lifted the dark inside part over my head and everythng went black he began to smash my head through the headhole but I could tell by the feeling on the top of my head that it’d never make it so I started backing out but even my own Mom tried to block my escape and my sister Janice yelled about how she could help hold me but they wouldn’t let her and then someone jerked the sweater back hard over my head until my head went through the headhole to just above my eyes where it stuck so I jumped and twisted away and got away from everyone’s grabbings and ran blind and screaming around the living room and tripped over my sister’s new doll and fell down yelling and crying and my sister was shouting about her dumb doll that tripped me so my Dad and Mom finally joined my side and attacked the sweater and freed me from it and told my Aunt Molly who’d been waiting to see it on me that I’d try it on later and it sure would look cute but I wouldn’t even put a dangerous sweater like that in my present-pile and stuck it over by Janice’s doll and my Aunt said to my Dad whose other name was Luverne LUVERNE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST YANKED IT OVER HIS HEAD AND HE’D GOTTN USED TO IT and I heard her say that and didn’t want her to baby sit with me anymore and during the next few years there came to be a special drawer in my dresser set aside for those sweatrs I got for Christmas and birthdays that were supposed to go on over my head but never did and I wondered how they liked being stuffed in a dark place with no way out.
